The Personality Paradox

“For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.”

Romans 7:19, Apostle Paul

“I had aimed for it because I thought I was supposed to.”

Running Outside The Comfort Zone, Susan Lacke

“Are my goals truly my goals?”

Diz Runs Email, Denny Krahe

 

I’m the girl who wants to handle stress like a duck: calm on the surface but working like crazy underneath. Instead I usually go full goose: loud with lots of honky flailing. My current favorite workout tank top says “Talk to me Goose”.  I know it’s a movie reference but right now the geese are definitely talking. In a literal sense as they travel over my house headed for warmer winter weather, and figuratively in that there has been quite a bit of squonking in my head lately.

If I accurately answer the question Denny posed in the email it would be this: No.  Why? Because I have no goals. I don’t think I ever truly have for the Big Stuff. I have never truly answered the question: What do you want to be when you grow up?

I’m the girl who wants Happily Ever After but doesn’t believe in fairy tales.

I’m currently in a go-with-the-flow stage of life and it’s making me insane. It’s not my way so it produces a restlessness, FOMO, and erratic behavior. The obvious solution is to create goals and a list-centric human this should be easy. Why is the page still blank?

I’m the girl who might want the fairy tale after all but is scared of The End.

I should start with the list of goals that look like the goals I’m supposed to have. Then list my “want to” items. Third list should be what God has said. I can make a list of lists and get nothing accomplished. I appreciate controlled chaos: things that look wild and dangerous but are contained to very specific rules for safety. Skydiving, caving, and running are all on my done list. I have enough body anomalies for running to be on the list. Theoretical physics are my go to books for relaxation. They propose concepts that look incredibly far fetched but must still stay within the parameters of known scientific law. I can’t seem to get control of the chaos of my list making.

Apostle Paul understood the duplicity of himself. He knew his goals. He knew his calling. He had his Big Picture. But even he struggled with sin. I am sliding so far from the plan of God for my life. I have no idea what the plan is. The reason I know I’m not an active participant is based on restlessness and guilt. My voice has no credibility in the throne room. We are to approach him boldly (Hebrews 4:16). I have not made the attempt in some time.

I’m not talking about popcorn prayers. Those are the type when someone makes a request so the head is bowed for a moment while the plea is made. I’m talking about the uninterrupted passion of joyfully telling God how amazing He is. It is the time spent with no other thoughts than His holiness, sovereignty, and the majesty of the one true God of the universe. Worship.

I’m the girl who wants to interact but not always speak.

Maybe my first goal should be this: remember my first love. Jesus promises in Matthew 6:23, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. Then all these things will be added to you.” (Who sang that?) What things? Things. This is actually a verse about Stuff. A lot of scripture gets pulled out of context for ways to get Stuff and this one actually is. It just needs kept in a “daily bread” parameter.

I’m the girl who collected Stuff but doesn’t really want much of it anymore.

The Bible is now a haunting playground of just out of reach ideals. I pretend to understand some of it while understanding none of it and wishing I could understand all of it. Nothing really sticks in my brain anymore. I have no one area of life where I can say I am unequivocally blessed with understanding. I remember big stuff: how to drive, how to cook, when to feed the cats. Nuance of scripture eludes me. I want that piece of me back.

I’m the girl who always has too much to say but not always the right way to communicate.

I read Michio Kaku but if we were face to face I wouldn’t hold my own in conversation. Details and minutiae no longer stay in my head. My mental crayons have gone from being crimson, scarlet, burgundy, and maroon to dark red and regular red. How long before they’re all just red? I had thought with age came wisdom. Is this merely honing in on what is actually important? And if that’s the case why can’t I seem to get a better focus for goals? Why can’t I seem to make any?

Or is the lessening of differentiation laziness? Am I so beaten down with trying to fulfill everyone’s plans for my life that I’ve given up? Just be what’s expected. Follow the plan for less mental exertion. I’m pretty sure that’s how people will end up with the mark of the beast. Cue music: Pink Floyd’s The Wall.

Life was meant to be seen in all it’s colors. God’s vibrancy is not limited to red although I do believe His statutes are in black and white. He tempers His justice with His mercy. If I hone in on His black and white will I see the variances of red again? Or will it make me hard hearted? A stone cold killer of God’s grace on Earth.

I’m the girl with no line between “others first” and “self care”.

I am mourning the loss of closeness with God. Not always because I miss Him but because I’m more worried about negative consequences. Narcissism at it’s highest level. A return to God is repentance of my own ego and pride which is actually original sin. “There is nothing new under the sun,” says the writer of Ecclesiastes. God is not put off by my sin, rather He wants me to be put off by it.

“Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” will not be the attitude of a truly repentant heart. True repentance brings change. That’s not salvation through works. That’s proof in the fruit. So what changes do I need to make?

1. Read the Word.
2. Worship.
3. Fellowship (as safely as possible).
4. Cultivate Godly friendships.

Within the framework of these four “I will do” the excess of “I should not” will become obvious and subsequently undesirable. Scripture is not a self help pep talk but a living transformation through salvation. True repentance will change the methodology of change.

1. Scripture isn’t something to have memorized for special occasions. 2 Timothy 3:16 reads this: All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” Verse 17 tells why:
   that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.
2. Worship is now truly God centered. There’s no need for a banjo playing hipster leader repeating unsound mantras. There needs to be an outcry from the heart in Spirit and in Truth as said in John 4:24.
3. When Church reopened I did attend a service. I left more depressed than ever. I understand obeying the laws of the land and I am NOT about to start an argument based on conspiracy theories. I don’t care what side of that aisle you’re on. Keep it off of here. It’s just hard to feel like part of the body when seating and socializing looks like an amputation. I’m not criticizing any church. I don’t have an answer. I don’t know how to do this right now.
4. Cultivating Godly relationships must include minimizing the ungodly. This doesn’t mean cutting off all unbelievers 100%, radio silence, over and out, kthxbai. It translates to keeping your deepest counsel to believers. I have to watch that too though. Someone I thought was asking out of concern was asking out of nosiness. Seeking advice based on scripture from a nonbeliever is like asking a coal miner to do a root canal. He understands drilling but the tools are different and the outcome is disastrous.

I’m the girl who wants to laugh without shame but is wondering why she’s standing in front of a toaster. (see featured image for reference)

God is not without a sense of humor. The Bible says Jesus wept but I have to believe He also laughed. My former witty self is buried in the quagmire of pandemic uncertainties. “The joy of the Lord is our strength,” says Nehemiah 8:10 in paraphrase.  I had aimed for things for which I had no arrows. In doing so I became a willing target for the fiery darts of the enemy. His goal is destruction and he has plenty of proven results. I’m so weak I can barely hold up my end of our relationship. New goal: remove blasphemous bullseye.

I am the girl who wants to participate but not look foolish if I fail.

When 2020 started I thought I had it all figured out. My word for the year was “Live!” My song was “Steppin’ Out” by Group 1 Crew. I drug my feet for two months. I languished for five months under the guise of social distancing. So how can the last five months be redeemed?The Book of Joel says God can redeem the time. That proves he can do it and not I. It’s time to get off the soap box. Leave the pity party. Get the train on the tracks. Hand the dentist the drill. (see previous paragraph for reference.)

Are my goals truly my goals? I tried that. Epic fail. So now those goals are going to be God’s goals for my life. Why?

Because I’m the girl who knows if this mid life crisis does not resolve soon there will be no happy old age.