Only

Only. I’m not sure why but this word keeps popping up in my daily life. I’ve started this particular post so many times because of this one word. Only it never fully worked. There was always an element of wrongness that made me delete everything. So this is a disjointed plane crash posting. A veritable salad of rotting linguistics in an attempt to quiet the stampede of random thoughts because of four letters in sequence. Only I’m still not sure how to begin. This is only the ice breaker.

Only is a crazy word. It’s featured in song titles by Roy Orbison, The Platters, Billy Joel, and Casting Crowns to name a few. It makes a debut in books by Dr. Seuss, Tami Coble Brown, and John Mirassou. It’s used in restaurants to denote when a single topping is needed for a burger, potato, or appetizer. It’s used 250 times in the King James Version of the Bible. And it makes a very sad sentence when preceded by the word “if”.

I’m about to have two weeks off of work. It happens every year for factory maintenance. There was talk of there being three but it’s only two. I’m not sure what to do with time on my hands when my bank account is pleading with me to be reasonable. I see a lot of my friends going to amazing locations and, to borrow a phrase, living their best life, and I will admit to being jealous. I constantly remind myself that they made different life choices than I made and as such are rewarded with this lifestyle. I’m only a cook.

My parents hatehateHATE when I say that. I’m reminded that my cook’s income still kept a roof over our heads and food on the table when I had my daughters under my roof. I can’t go back to do it all again. Only I wish I could sometimes. Take them to Disney, go to movies every weekend, buy them all the cool clothes. Who am I kidding, I’ll still be the same short tempered, naïve, absent minded me. They should have had a different mom. Only they got stuck with me.

When I get asked about a significant other I reply that I’m only me. Seems fitting after my last restaurant experience. The hostess picked up two menus and then asked how many to my party. I said, “Table for one.” “Oh. It’s only you,” she flat toned while plunking down the second menu to it’s holder. I almost left. Single people eat, too. It’s a stage of life not a contagion.

Palladium is element number 46 on the Periodic Table. It’s only missing one proton or it would be silver. Silver is a valuable, well known commodity mostly associated with precious jewelry. Palladium, while also valuable, is mostly used in catalytic converters and electronics. Most people have heard of silver. Palladium not so much. Only a proton separates the two elements numerically. Only a single proton. I feel ya Pal.

The thrill of running is gone. There is no more runners high. I’ve only lost so much weight. I’ve only gotten so fast. I’ve only ever come in fourth place in my bracket. I can only afford so much extra gas money to get to places where I feel safe to run. I want to backpack overnight again only there’s no one to go with me. Exercise has become a barren plateau of mediocrity. I work so hard for onlys. Someone recently said they didn’t understand why all the emotions of not hitting my goal. I shouldn’t have said anything. I was the only one who understood.

Ecclesiastes 7:10 reads this: ‘Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” for it is not from wisdom that you ask this.’ Here’s a guy looking at his present situation and whining. Kinda like I am now. I punch my ticket on the guilt train when I vent to others because I see their box cars of real issues. My caboose is leaking drivel. And yet I still keep shoveling the coal of complaint.

Where is the line? Where is the line that takes only and makes it positive? I must have missed it. I believe, help my unbelief! John 3:16 has been flashed at so many sporting events, does anyone even care that Jesus was the only Son of God? And maybe that’s why I can’t leave this word alone. The Pew Perch generation has recited ForGodSoLoved so many times that the revelation of God’s only Son is lost. Jesus is not wonderful and awesome and miraculous. It’s only words.

We took the miracle and made it mundane. Losing the awe of the Only allowed other methods to creep into our church sanctuaries. There was a slide to Gnosticism that was slippery enough to have it taught from pulpits of well meaning pastors. God isn’t blessing enneagrams and mandalas. I once saw a preacher dancing and singing in the aisle because that’s how the Holy Spirit hit her. It was just dandy for her but there wasn’t a takeaway message for the congregation. There was no teaching, no correction, and no conviction. Leadership has more responsibility than only a goose bumpy good time.

“Only God can judge me” is not in the Bible. Show me. I’ll eat the page. Run a Google search. I’ll wait. It’s an arrogant proclamation. Let me alone so I can sin some more. Society has judgments in place for everything. Uniquely conforming to the world sends the message loud and clear to God that we only want what’s best for us as we deem appropriate. Except we are instructed to “not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

So what are we testing exactly? Feelings? Feelings are real but often they lie. The Bible also says, “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” in Jeremiah 17:9. We are to test the constant onslaught of information against the truth of the Bible. The things of the world will fail the test as they are not good, acceptable, and perfect to God. They may feel this way in the fleshly world system but renewal gets us to the other side of emotion. It gets us in position for Jesus to be our Only.

It’s not easy. I want it to be. I keep making a mess of it all. On the trail the other day I was overcome by the beauty of some small, purple butterflies. They were so delicate and moved with grace. I wondered what it would be like to only have butterfly thoughts. But I’m not a butterfly. I can transform more than once. With each reception of God’s truth and each rejection of the world’s lie my mind renews through that discernment. It takes reading the Bible and reading it in context and in fullness. I can do all things through a Bible verse taken out of context. But should I? Only living scriptures I like will send me to an eternity I dislike.

I want to have the focus of Jesus walking out of Gethsemane. All the other onlys in my life need to drop. Because the reality is that for some I’ll only ever be a cook. Only white. Only a woman. Only a Christian. Only fat. Only a widow. Only have a mobile home. onlyonlyonly ad nauseum. And who am I here to please? The letter to the Philippians counsels “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” I’m not an only.

Jesus is the Only Son of God is not to be glossed over. It isn’t to become a pulpit platitude, a Bible balm, or a scriptural swathe. It wasn’t originally proclaimed so that bare chested evangelists could shake poster board at a camera. If God can give His Only, we should live in such a way to show the world that Jesus is our Only. Our Only Way, Truth, and Life.

And I’ll publish this knowing that the only thing someone will notice in this whole post is all of my bad punctuation, dangling modifiers, and colloquialisms. It’s only on them to dig a little deeper.